Going Girlie

It might have been the pink velvet shirt at J Jill that did it, but I suspect I was already on the way to going Girlie by the time I saw it. In any case, although the shirt came in gray or burgundy, much more practical colors, I chose the pink one. And then I also bought the cream silk charmeuse shirt with the pintucks and crocheted trim on the front and the silky bow tied at the v-neck. What is happening to me?

Several years ago on a trip to Mexico City, I was stirred deeply by meeting women with no resources except each other. They were certainly poor, but the community they created to care for each other and their children was an inspiration. I came home feeling that I was the poor one, isolated and without important resources. It was an opportunity to re-examine my priorities, my image of myself in the world, and how I wanted to be seen. I gave up wearing makeup - partly to take away the financial pressure of worrying about having the right stuff and partly to become more honest about making my face be a reflection of my inner self. I also threw away my hair dryer, opting to let the curls I had been fighting all my life be part of my honest presentation of myself to the world. I loved being relieved of the financial burden of investing in what felt like a false presentation, and I became comfortable letting my wrinkles and spots tell the story of where I had been in life. My clothes bdcame more practical, washable rather than needing the dry cleaner. I think I was in recovery from the sales rep/sales manager presentation of my pre-seminary days. My "working wardrobe" was way overdressed for grad school and I found myself in jeans and T-shirts most often.

Things began to change when I left school and began to worry about interview clothes. Suddenly I had some money to invest in "good" clothes that would work for a Lutheran pastor and how I looked to a group of professionals became more important. It is like some self from my past began to emerge and I looked at my un-made up face as "unpolished" and my jeans and t-shirts as "unprofessional." I began to long to look a little different.

I guess the first change was the haircut - shorter, perkier, requiring a hair dryer to get the right effect. It has caused much comment among friends, they like it and tell me that it makes me look younger. It makes me feel good, too. Then I went shopping for make-up. It has been so long that I've almost forgotten what I used to wear. It seems strange that after all those years of something that was daily habit, you could just forget in two or three years what all that stuff was. So I went to the Aveda store for a makeover. Wow. Now there's foundation and powder and brow color and eyeshadow and.....well, you know. It has been weird. It takes so long to do it for very little effect,and then I have had to get comfortable with stuff on my face all day. I am getting better at it, and learning to appreciate the subtle difference in the way it does make me look more "polished."

A new man friend said, "I don't know what you've done exactly, but your hair looks fabulous and you look 10 years younger." Hmmmm. Oh, yes, and about the man friend. I have two new-ish men friends. Not anything more than friends, but they are really guys. It is so different than my woman friends, and how I dress and see myself with them is different, too, I think. Maybe men friends is the catalyst for the new Girlie me, as if I am reclaiming some earlier manifestation of something and bringing up into my MDiv-Lutheran-Pastor-In-Waiting persona. I'm still spending most days in jeans and t-shirts without makeup, but then, there are those days with the make-up, the red lipstick and that pink velvet shirt. Welcome back, Girlie.